British Kids In Consumerist Trap

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Why do many British parents try to solve their kids behavior problems by buying them designer clothes toys and electronic gadgetry? The answer is that they  feel under enormous pressure from the advertising heaped on them daily through every medium and that they want to make up for the lost prime time with them by buying them these goods. They are the perfect bait for the advertisers and publicity campaigners who must be laughing all the way to the bank.

The UNICEF has cast a rather a cold eye on British parenting when they did a survey on the happiness of their children about three years ago.  The fact is that British children are not happy at all and they come in at the bottom of the league table when compared to kids in about 20 other industrialized countries.

One of the problems which is closely related to kids behavior problems is the fact that the British parents seem to be working longer hours than their European counterparts and that means spending less prime time with their kids. Secondly the household tasks and parenting duties are not shared so equally as say in Scandinavia.

The kids themselves were in no doubt as to what would make up their happiness and well being. They ranked prime time with their parents and friends in the number one slot while green time activities and plenty of activities to go with them were second on the list. The did not mention material consumer goods which is interesting.

In Spain, the use of the extended family in parenting duties seems to solve many of the kids behavior problems there and there is also less consumerist pressure there too, like in Scandinavia.

Sweden has taken an important step in limiting advertising on all TV programs which are suitable for under twelves. That is a constructive step they have taken in trying to solve kids behavior problems.

Can You Spot Your Child's Triggers?

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If you are a parent and cannot fathom how come your child flies into a tirade of abuse, gets agressive or starts to become violent with you or his siblings, then it is time to take a step back and ask yourself this question. There must be something that is triggering child behavior problems. There must be a pattern. Far too often, parents do not go there because they cannot be bothered or they are too tired.  But actually it is welll worth the effort because with some time and persistence you will soon see results.

We can sum up the action plan into three parts :-

1. Observe
2. Talk about it afterwards
3. Plan an alternative strategy with your child or teen

1.In the first part we have to try and establish what triggered off the outburst or the aggression. This is just a matter of quietly observing and also asking help from relatives, siblings and teachers. Was there a particular incident just before it happened? Could it have been that?  Soon, we should see that a pattern emerges and we can start to understand that there is a problem reaction to something which really gets at the child. This could be a feeling of injustice at some wrong or slight or it could be something to do with school.

2. When we want to talk about it afterwards in a calmer moment, we can approach it and say ' I notice when you do not get your way, you start insulting me'.  This can start the whole process of communication about the problem and hopefully let the teen open up and talk about why he did that, how he felt,his reactions, his emotions and feelings, not forgetting his sense of injustice!

3. Then we discuss ways of reacting DIFFERENTLY. Suggest other methods which might be far more effective, less hurtful and less noisy too. Insults, aggression and violence are no nos and you have to give your child other alternatives. Tell him he can try a verbal response and think twice before throwing a book a someone,.

This is planning for the future so that the next time the incident happens, the child is much more aware of the triggers and might see it coming. He is also aware of some alternatives and with any luck he might try them.

Is A Military School Right For Your Teen?

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Parents are often tempted by the idea that their acting out adolescent or defiant teenager could really benefit from a military school or a wilderness camp. The idea is attractive for many reasons :-

·          parents are removed from the battle scene

·          other experts can deal with the issues

·          teenagers sometimes respond better to natural consequences of their behaviour

·          behavioural therapy, if applied successfully, can and does work wonders.

Some research by the National Institute of Justice shows that cognitive behavioural therapy can actually teach behavior skills and redress the balance of faulty thinking, when applied correctly.  But the fact of the matter is that there is no independent research which shows how effective these programs are. That is really the crux of the matter. No doubt each school or camp will have its flagship success stories and these testimonials will be used in the publicity. But how many failures have there been? We will never know the truth on  that one !

Precautions to take:-

There are plenty of horror stories to keep us going for many a dinner party. The allegations of abuse, mistreatment, cruelty and downright mismanagement should make us think twice before we embark on any such adventure.

The first thing we should check out is to see that the college or camp is actually accredited to be such an institution. This is not a 100% guarantee at all but it does give you a comeback if anything does go wrong. You are protected by their charter. The two most respected accreditation institutions are the Joint Commission (JACHO) and the Council of Accreditation (COA).

Check the programs offered and see whether they are suitable for your child’s or teenager’s needs. Finding out their needs with the help of a counsellor is often salutary experience and on fact may be half the battle because that is when we realize what parenting mistakes we may have  been making all along.

Check out references too and find out as much as from parents who have gained benefits for their troubled teens through the use of such programs.

Ask for support  so that when your teen gets back, there is a transition period which you can confidently manage.  Without that, the whole experience may turn negative and you may find that you are back to square one.  If the school or camp cannot offer that, it probably means that they are not really capable of running a program with parents’ involvement. The fact that the home runs on completely different lines to a camp or college is something  which should never be forgotten.

Teaching Our Kids To Be Good Digital Citizens.

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The good news is that we may be far too worried about the dangers posed to our kids using Facebook, cell phones, smart phones and the Web in general. Perhaps media coverage and the recent film called ‘Trust’ has made us very wary of what is going on and what dangers our kids are exposed to. In this film, a teenage age is raped by a paedophile who she had met on the Internet.

But none of statistics show that online dangers are more insidious or even more frequent than the offline risks. That does not mean that we should be blasé but just teach our kids to be good digital citizens.

Let me give you some examples. Some research done at The Florida Atlantic University suggests that up to 20% of teenagers may have experienced cyberbullying.  But this figure is about the same as that of the more traditional bullying which happens offline. The interesting part of this research shows that the majority of the cyberbullies are not anonymous and the majority of victims actually know who the bullies are.

As regards soliciting for sex online, it is fascinating to read ‘The Culture of Fear’ which was updated last year.  Studies from The University of New Hampshire show that one in seven teenagers have been approached online but actually only about 10% of these were between adults and teenagers. That figure puts the situation into  perspective.  About 50% of  all cases anyway were between teens themselves which is just as risky as if they were doing it offline.

Lots of parents are worried about the so called ‘Facebook Depression’. Look at the figures released by the Digital Youth Project which surveyed about 800 kids while they were social networking online for a total of 5,000 hours over three years.  

Figures reveal that although there is some time wasted, more than 50% of teens are actually using it for charity purposes by supporting a cause.  There is also the fact that many teenagers benefit socially, are more aware of social injustice, are more in touch with the world and even can become very computer savvy as well.  About 33% had actually volunteered for an online charity and for connecting with the world for perfectly valid and worthy causes.  

Many teenagers were actively involved in the ‘It Gets Better Project’ which helps to establish the rights of gays and lesbians to feel secure and happy in their learning and social environments.

So, what is the best  approach to take with teenage behaviour which relies far to much on electronic media?  The best way is prevention and education by raising awareness of the e risks rather than draconian grounding, confiscation and other punitive measures which will be circumvented anyway.

Smoking Pregnant Mothers More Likely To Have Problem Kids!

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Did you know that there are over four thousand toxins in cigarette smoke? Now imagine a pregnant mother who smokes. Well, the chances are that quite a few of these chemicals will affect the fetus and will certainly have a negative impact on the child’s developing brain.  

Research at 3 Universities, Illinois (USA) and Hull and York in the UK, shows that problem kids are much more likely to be born to these smoking mothers. The problems could arise even as early as three years of age!

The survey was quite a large one as it involved about 14,000 mothers on both sides of the Atlantic.

They were all asked to fill in  questionnaires whereby they gave an assessment on their children’s behaviors.   

Mothers were divided into light and heavy smokers. The results were quite shocking.

The mothers who were merely smoking a few cigarettes a day were still more than 44% likely to have boys who had behavioral or conduct disorders.

For the heavy smokers, that figure almost doubled to 80%!

The number of boys with ADHD and hyperactivity disorders were much more likely overall to have had mothers who smoked during their pregnancy. Who would have thought that this was a cause of ADHD!

The girls who were diagnosed as having conduct disorders were hardly affected by ADHD or hyperactivity. This seems to follow the patterns whereby girls are much more likely to have the inattentive type of ADHD anyway.

Apart from the general health issues, it seems that smoking mothers are laying up trouble for themselves and their families if they smoke during pregnancy.

This post is a brief summary of a report  first published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health

5 Tips On Dealing With Teenager Attitude After A Row.

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Usually a teenager attitude after a row, which is fairly typical is that of sulking or just being downright uncooperative in the home. There is tension and this attitude does nothing to help.

As a parent, you are feeling hurt and maybe also resentful and so the tension is at an all time high.

What can you do to get back to a type of semi normality again? Don't ignore the feelings and tension and above all do not go over the row or argument again. That will just make things even worse.

The main objective here must be to move on. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that the parent and the teenager have different priorities and this can be the reason for underlying tensions,even when things are going fairly normally.

The parent sees things from the viewpoint of getting on in life, maturing, taking responsibility and being successful.

The teenager sees things in a completely different light. There may be peer pressure and he or she wants to fit in and not be a square peg in a round hole. That means buying the latest jeans and the parent may think that he or she has more jeans than necessary.

Here are some ways to reduce the tension and try to move on :-

1. Acknowledge that an immediate truce is out but that does not mean you cannot put the unpleasant argument behind you.

2. Acknowledge that feelings and tension is naturally high- they will not fade away like melting snow. There is a need to recognize the feelings of reesntment and anger on your part  and the sense of feeling aggrieved and uncooperative on the part of your teen.

3. Talk about these feelings. When we talk about them, it is important to offer NO JUSTIFICATION for what you did. OK, you lost your temper but there is no need to say that your teen was the cause of all that. Tell that you were hurt and that you are feeling bad. Why not say that you lost control and leave it at that? Otherwise the old wounds will be opened and the whole row is likely to start again.

4.  Assigning blame at this point is disastrous. If your teen is sulking just remark that it seems as if the time isn't right yet for communicating and move on. There is no need to go on about this.

5. Don't dismiss your teen's feelings out of hand or think that you can talk them out of it. It takes time. If you are so dismissive, that could worsen your teenager attitude. It is even worse when you act as if nothing at all had happened. Moving on does not mean ignoring the feelings and the tension. But you can do a lot by just recognizing them and talking about them in a very matter of fact way.

If you have teenager attitude problems, why not let a child consultant help you out with some very good suggestions and practical advice.

Kids Attitude- How To Stop This Becoming A Problem

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A lot of kids attitude problems stem from the fact that there is no structure, rules or established routine in the home. This means that a lot of chaos can develop and sometimes, kids end up hitting each other, doing what they like and generally causing mayhem.

 What is happening here or what is not happening is that the kids have no idea at all of what is expected of them in the home, as they grow up or indeed what is expected from them by the big bad world out there.

That means basically establishing the ground rules and making sure there is no favoritism. Then we have to ensure that each parent has the same take on all the issues. Otherwise good cop bad cop parenting will start and there is no end to it.

Teaching kids responsibility and accountability will ease the running of the home and will also prepare them for what society expects of them when they actually grow up which is usually just a few years away. That is frightening especially when we realize that a fourteen year old, in four years time will be officially an adult and will be able to get a drivers’ licence, among other things. 

The second thing of course is to parent effectively as the kids mature.  Here we have to tread carefully because we still have to retain our credibility as an authority while at the same time encouraging some independence.

The problems arise here with  when the parent starts to let up altogether and wants to become the teen’s best friend. That means basically that the word ‘no’ flies out the window and that indulgence is craved and often given.

The main problem here is that the teen is not nearly mature enough to act responsibly and situations may arise where risky behavior as regards driving, drink, sex and drugs rear their ugly heads.

Usually, when the ground rules which are based on safety, security and accountability are let go, then peer pressure builds up and the parents lose control over the situation . Wanting to become the teen’s best friend usually does not work.

Treading the fine line between being over protective, over critical and and a control freak with being far too indulgent and letting go of the reins is the key to successful parenting.

Once we get this right, the problems of kids attitude and other behavior problems become manageable. But we have to start early on!